You know who you are.
You can feel the hardness under your skin. You’re tough as nails, gritty as sandpaper, and solid as a rock. You take no shorts. You go hard. You see through bullshit and you don’t bullshit. You’re not sentimental. You have no time for softness or slowness. You’re impatient and want the bottom line. Now. You want to know. Then, you want to go. Forward…and forget about it. You want to look ahead and keep it movin’. You’re all about movement, but you don’t care about process. It’s production that counts. You want results. There’s no time for stillness or quiet or stalling. You hate those things.
And you basically tolerate women.
You can be very, very hard on your sisters…some might call you merciless. Although you make attempts to hold it in, your impatience and irritation often extends to the masses. Whether they’re colleagues, or confidants, sisters, or strangers, they can meet your wrath at any time you deem it necessary to put people in their place, tell them about themselves, or cut them out of the way. In your presence, a woman can’t win. Your narrow perceptions won’t let her. If you think she’s attractive and successful, you suspect her: she thinks she’s cute and better than everybody. If you think she’s unattractive and unsuccessful, you detest her: she’s a loser, ineligible for your clique. If you think she’s strong and a leader, you diminish her: she’s putting on a show and is probably incompetent. If you see her as quiet, soft hearted, and meek, you dismiss her: she’s weak and dumb, not worth your time.
You detest dreamers, romantics, and nostalgic wimps. You despise slow starters. You call them fools. You feel the need to set people straight and shake some sense into them. You don’t care who it is. You’re not afraid of anybody. You confront and contest. You’ll blast anyone who crosses you (and you get crossed a lot). Nonetheless, you call people out and tell it like it is.
The same goes for men. The difference is you add to that mere tolerance, inherent distrust.
You see men as just alike/all the same and only good for a couple of things. The list is short: sex and money.
Since men can’t be trusted for authentic relationship or communion, there’s no point in making sincere investments in relating to them. Why would you? In your view, it makes more sense to use before you get used, plot before you get plotted on, plan your exit before you get left. Any other courses of action – like focusing attention, practicing open communication, expressing and accepting mutually healthy boundaries, and sharing vulnerabilities – are not at all understood, let alone explored. So you stick to negative pre-empting, disabling self-sabotage, and chronic disbelief.
That’s your normal.
It’s your safe zone.
It’s what you believe in and what gets re-created over and over again, so much so that you see it as an inevitable, constant reality. It is what it is, right?
Hmm…
Maybe not.
I’m not convinced.
The louder you scream in the lover identity of Bitch, the harder I look into your eyes and see what’s behind them.
The more you posture and close off your body in Bitch, the more I see what your defensive movements really mean, under your surface.
The deeper the cuts from your cruelty and harsh judgments of others, the clearer I get about the depths of your isolation.
The harder your denouncements and more caustic your arguments, the easier it is for me to hear the scope of your internal screams.
The heavier your silence and more icy your stares, the more I feel the weight of your worry, doubt, and nervous defense.
I know you’re terrified.
I know you think you can’t believe. I know you think nothing will ever change. I know you think that no one sincerely loves you, or really knows you, or can be trusted to stick around. I know you want to fight before you get pummeled…again.
I’m here to tell you there’s a way out. There’s another path. There’s a way to love romantically and socially with peace and with power you can eat. Although the path is very challenging and a little terrifying, it is simple and direct in its design. It works because you build a new way of knowing and being from the inside/out. Be in touch. I’ll show you how to do it.
Jeanine Staples is Associate Professor of Literacy and Language & African American Studies at the Pennsylvania State University. Her book, The Revelations of Asher: Toward Supreme Love in Self, is an endarkened, feminist, new literacies event (Peter Lang, spring 2016). In it, she explores Black women’s terror in love. She produces research-based courses and methodologies that enable marginalized girls and women to realize internal revelations that fuel external revolutions.
Dr. Staples’ next book details the evolution of her acclaimed undergraduate course, The Philadelphia Urban Seminar. In it, she explores Supreme Love in schools. She shows how she generates curriculum and methodologies that incite anti-racist, anti-sexist, anti-ableist pedagogical stances among teachers interested in urban education and equity for all people in schools and society.